Prayer, as defined by many Earth-based religious scholars, is the act of communicating with the Supreme Being of the Universe, who, unlike the President of the Galaxy, actually exists and doesn’t spend most of His time at parties trying to get people to guess what animal He’s pretending to be.
The most remarkable thing about prayer is not that it works (which it does), but rather the extraordinary lengths humans will go to complicate what is essentially a straightforward conversation with their Creator. This has led to the development of numerous prayer methodologies, most of which are about as necessary as a chocolate teapot at a Vulcan meditation retreat.
The Formal Petition Method
This involves using words like “thee” and “thou” under the curious assumption that the Creator of the Universe prefers to be addressed in 16th-century English. This would be rather like calling your father “Most Honorable Patriarch of Our Ancestral Dwelling” instead of “Dad.” God, being infinitely more sophisticated than any universal translator ever conceived, is perfectly capable of understanding “Hey God, help!” just as well as “Most Gracious and Beneficent Father Who Art In Heaven.”
The Position Protocol
Some believe that proper prayer requires specific bodily configurations, not unlike the precise arrangements needed to open a sophisticated safe. Kneeling, standing, lying prostrate, or doing what appears to be an impressive impression of a human pretzel – all have been declared at various times to be the “correct” way to pray.
The truth is, God is considerably less concerned with your physical position than your spiritual disposition. He has been known to answer prayers from people hanging upside down in crashed spaceships, swimming in whale digestive systems, and even from tax collectors (which really shows the extent of His mercy).
The Proper Location Paradox
Humans have spent an inordinate amount of time debating the optimal location for prayer, seemingly forgetting that they’re trying to communicate with an omnipresent being. This is rather like trying to find the best spot in the room to talk to the air.
Some historical documents suggest that certain places are more conducive to prayer than others. Churches, mountains, and gardens are popular choices. Public transport during rush hour is notably absent from most lists, though it has probably generated more desperate prayers than all other locations combined.
The Time Management Conundrum
Many people approach prayer like scheduling an interstellar conference call, forgetting that God exists outside of time and hasn’t particularly aligned Himself with any of Earth’s time zones. He’s equally available at 3 AM when you’re having an existential crisis about whether penguins have knees, as He is during designated prayer meetings.
A More Sensible Approach
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Prayer suggests a simpler method:
- Remember that the Creator of the Universe is actually interested in you (improbable as this may seem)
- Speak honestly (He already knows what you’re thinking anyway, which saves considerable time)
- Don’t worry about the format (God isn’t running a cosmic grammar check)
- DON’T PANIC
It’s worth noting that prayer is one of the few things in the universe that doesn’t require batteries, doesn’t need updating, and works perfectly well underwater. It’s also the only form of communication that never suffers from poor reception, though the user may occasionally experience difficulty in receiving or interpreting the response.
Some have suggested that prayer is less efficient than sending a text message or posting on social media. These people are missing the point rather spectacularly, like a Vogon missing poetry class and being enormously pleased about it.
The true miracle of prayer isn’t in the methodology but in the simple fact that the Creator of everything – from quantum physics to the platypus – actually wants to hear from you. This is, when you think about it, even more improbable than finding a decent cup of tea in hyperspace.
And that, as they say in the better theological circles, is that.